Monday, December 18, 2006


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It's that time of the year again. That time when i get patted on the back at work by the $5000 suit guys. That time they show their appreciation by sending my sexy ass on an all expense paid holiday every thing 1st class. That's for working so hard all year long. Ok so i'm bragging Why you come dey squeeze face? Shio.

Well, anyway 60% of the time i was reading Blogs. Another 20% i was checking out Buffie the body's booty, then 10% i was on the Manchester United forum, 3% i was wishing there were more chicks in my office, then the rest sha i worked well sorta. My CEO, an affable Milton Keynes native is a Man utd fan. We get into a 1 hour meeting and the first 45 mins we're both whining about Chelsea ruining the game, the Abramowinch factor yadda, yadda , then the remaining 15 mins we gloat and laugh at Arsenal's dip in form. Then on the way out, at the door we talk business for 30 seconds then i'm back to good ol' Blogger, Buffie and Neshelle.

So sha i'm going on a much deserved holiday, (Shoot me). And this is so strange 'cause i'll need to say goodbye to a whole lot of people in the Blog world. It's been crazy the number of people i've met virtually, and grown to love since my first post just a month ago, November.
All the peeps that showed me love, left comments on my Blog, the people that yabbed me, those that shared some of my ehm..drama, and the female bloggers that i have a huge crush on.
You want me to mention names abi? Abeg face your front.
Anywhoo i love you guys. Una too plenty. I can't mention ya'll but do have a lovely lovely Christmas. Me i'm off to somewhere warm by the blue ocean and pristine white sands under a huge umbrella getting a rub down*smile* and hopefully no mosquitoes.
Away from Traffic, i won't have to wonder if the explosion i just by my gate heard na "banger" or Lawrence Anini's little Cousin(Ya'll know it's almost Christmas).
No more of stupid people inviting me as Chairman of some occasion or the other thinking i have all of nija's money. Then they abuse and curse me when i put five thousand naira in a crumpled envelope. Awon ode. I earn a Salary you ain't heard? You even dey lucky sef say i give you 5k. This country is fucked i swear. If you are launching your Church's whatever and i give you 10 million shouldn't you ask questions like young Man where did you get this money from? Answer me Mr. Pastor? After you will tell your congregation ehn his father is igba, awo. Where did the father sef get the money from? How much is his official Salary? Rubbish. Don't let me name your Church here o. Because if i talk ehn? ...You are annoying me gan seriously. You now had the guts to call me stingy. Imagine? And na this kain person go first talk say this country is corrupt. So where are the real role models?
God save you say you no talk am to my face. In fact i want my 5k back sef.

Anyway sha i'm outtie.

*I'm going on an Aeroplane, i don't know if i'll be back again* I wish there was a video for that Kanye song. Is it just me, or do you have a song you really love and wish there was a Video for it?

Bukky's Ex Boyfriend.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006



That's how i feel. I tried to relish the initial relief. I got my way
Now i don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I stayed the Weekend at Ota 'cause i was running some errands for Pop
I didn't even have to change the locks... She brought the keys.
Drove all the way to Ota to drop my Keys. I never meant to hurt you she said.
She said she would kill herself first before she ever hurts me
Somebody e-mailed her the link, so yeah
She read my Blog
She says it's as funny as hell. But i was not fair in my depiction of her
I said "at least i changed your name"
"Thanks" she says. With that look of "Oti, you for put my real name there... Ode)
Maybe i was not fair. Heck i was not fair.
But seriously shorty did you have to return the Money?
I know i said it was a loan but hey, you know i never intended to get that back
That hurt.
And my Tee-Shirts returned. All washed and neatly pressed
All 7 of them. 7 different colours,
for 7 days of the week, So you could smell me on you all night
So what are you gonna wear to bed now?
Ouch!! Now that hurts.

You scared me with all that Marriage talk.
Every other Saturday, it's one Wedding or the other.
and even when you realised i wasn't gonna sacrifice football for some boring Wedding on a Saturday,
you finally let me be.
I'd let you take my Car. Whenever yoou wanted to. Floss your heart out.
but no way am i gonna miss a Manchester Derby for Rasheedat's Wedding.
I miss the laughter you bring
I miss your clumsiness
I miss barking orders at you and muttering "what a Klutz" under my breath
I miss changing my mind on what to eat at the very last minute
and watching you sigh in exasperation
Only to start cooking something else again.
I miss all that food.
I miss when we do the damn thing.
Oh damn i miss that.
I remember the First time.
Your tongue sloowwly tracing invisible lines at the bottom of my gun
ever so slowly
driving me insane
making me gasp
even more slowly circling the head.
I damned near almost pulled out your weave on
and i had to pay for the damned hair next day. ...I gladly did.
That first time, remember i popped in what was it now 45 secs? ( Ehen, i know say you go talk. Mr. Last all night. Abeg comot for road. rubbish)
You were so damned good. I remembered i said you must be better than that "Superhead" bitch.
and i kept calling you headmistress.

And we still stayed cool
after your family thought i was an arrogant prick
and i said your Pop looked like Homer Simpson
and you wouldn't pick up my calls for 2 days?
but you couldn't do it for much longer than that?
This has gone on for way too long Shortie.

I always thought i could call any one of my "groupies" and i'd be fine
I guess i was wrong.
I get lonelier after the front door closes.
There's nothing to share.
a "Jump-off" is what it is
a "Jump-off".

I'm not gonna lie my answer is still no.
I'm honestly not ready to do this now.
I don't even know what i want from you.
As much as i want you
You still annoy the hell out of me.
I can't live with you
I can't live without you.
What the heck am i supposed to do?

Wednesday, December 06, 2006


Bukky is trying me o!!!!

This Bukky girl dey try my patience seriously o. Anybody that knows the girl should warn her o.

Shey una remember Bukky now? ehen. I no get liver for some certain things but for some other sturvs like person wey wan put sand sand for my Garri i go vex o.

I was at work and it was one of those really crazy days where everything just comes at you the moment you walk in the door. As i just sat my Juicy ass down that's how one of my Oyinbo Oga's started shouting and asking me for this, for that, igba awo. I just look am with one kain eye like that say (For my mind o) Ode. You don carry all your Salary go give Pastor Synagogue you come dey open eye for me here. Idiot. How a normal human being would leave his house in Ikoyi and travel down to one Synagogue Church for Ikotun-Egbe beats my imagination mehn!!!.
Abi you never hear of Synagogue? Haba where you dey since now? Okay make i give you small gist.
From what i heard...I never go the shoosh before o. Na just gist. But from what i heard the guy na one kain Fake Pastor like that that uses demonic powers to work some kain Miracles like that. I heard that when the Nigerian International Daniel Amokachi had a career threatning leg injury na the shoosh wey e go be that. One year and all his $avings later, his situation was still the same. Actually he was worse off 'cause brother was as broke as a plate.
Then i heard that Women from all over the country looking for "fruit of the womb" throng the place and he gives them one white handkerchief like that to take home and put the handkerchief under your pillow. Then, at 2a.m when the sleep dey sweet you well well, the Pastor's Spirit will now enter the handkerchief and creep out of the pillow and jump on the woman. Imagine all the thousands of Women for the guy shoosh. No wonder the guy is that
I also heard the Spirit also has a penchant for giving head o. So the Women keep praying for a re-visit. hehehe. Wetin? Abeg no ask me stupid question i no remember who tell me the gist. If you no beleive me na you sabi. Abi you sef need "visitation". Shio. E dey your body.

Wetin i dey talk sef? Okayee, that's how my Oyinbo Blond hair blue eye "aryan" Oga dey go the Synagogue shoosh o. I no know wetin dey pursue am sef. It's so bad that he even has several stickers on his Car. The dude na card carrying member. The popular gist is that he's trying to secure his job to stay in Nija because the guy dey gbadun this place seriously.All those skinny lepa shandy girls, plus living like a King. No be my opinion sha o. Make you no go Koba me. Na wetin i hear i dey talk o. Anyway as the man was shouting that morning i just dey look say if i woz you slap ehn? no be only stars you go dey see sef. Na Handkerchief go dey fly for your office. Raasclaat.

So come see me see Wahala o. After having days like that at work, i'm stressed out, i get home and i can not eat food inside my very house because i'm scared of the food. See me see Wahala o. I mean there's enough food in my Freezer to last Mr.Joseph and the Egyptians 7 years of Famine. Name it, different Orishirishi Soup from Efo riro with meat calling Shaki. And Shaki hollering at rounabout and roundabout whistling at Bokoto meanwhile Bokoto is chancing the smaller fried snails for inside the same pot o. And that's just for Starters. There's fried Chicken stew, Fresh fish stew, beef stew, Asaro, beans, Several tubs of Ice-Cream, orishirishi like that sha. Me sef i like food small. But fear dey catch me to even go near all that food. Lately i've been buying take-out from all the Reataurants on the Island and peeps who know me know i don't dig that shit. Na the condition wey Bukky carry me put be that o. First point of action was to get my spare keys from her. I was trying to stop "unrestricted access" to my crib. So i was now thinking of a way to get my keys off her without turning it into world war 3. Omo, i tire o. Shebi you go ask me why i come give am my keys in the first place? That's how i come dey rack my brain o to find solution to my problem. At the end of the day, i just decided to ask her for my keys outrightly. So having come to that conclusion, i went upstairs to meet her.

Meanwhile she has been acting one kain, one kain like that. She usually comes on Fridays then she leaves on sunday night. This one ehn, she just glue herself for my house o she no go anywhere. If she goes to work she comes back straight to my house. Shebi she get spare keys. So that's how she was sitted comfortably, watching one of those Celebrity shows i think on E enterainment or something like that, and sipping my Hennessy. so i said Bukky can i please have my keys? She just turn her head look me, turn back to Jessica Simpson. It was like i wasn't even there, like i didn't even say a word. So i said Olubukola, I just asked you a question (I was gradually raising my voice) Can i have my keys? Omo, she just look me up and down like that and said "sorry you can't have your keys at least until i'm ready to give it back to you".
Mehn, see the attitude. No be only mouth she take talk am o. Na plus eyelashes wey dey go up and down... Nija style, and eyes wey dey roll, and that "speak to the hand" thingy chicks are so fond of. I was like "she o mu oti yo ni? (are you drunk?).
I come begin rake dey shout seriously. "It's my house i work hard for everything own and you can not sit here and refuse to give me my keys, i demand, ...i this,... i that,... Igba, ...awo. She no even answer me. Infact when my voice dey rise sef na so she dey increase volume for the remote control.
My people, i come tire. Me? before before wey be say before i talk one thing like this ehn, she go don jump three times. This same Bukky is now looking at me like Isi-Ewu. Me Baba Alaye mehn i don suffer.
That's how i just quickly accessed the situation ikpe, It didn't look like i was gonna win this round. So i just shouted Bukky you are trying me o!!! You are trying me o!!! i'm going out, and before i come back to this house, you had better have my keys ready because what i'll do to you ehn and shey you know me now? If i display for you igba, awo. Yadda yadda.
That's how i grabbed my Car Keys and was about storming out. She just turned and said in this very eerie calm way she speaks sometimes that "you're not going anywhere You better sit down and don't waste your time." I just stormed out of her presence and i could hear her say "don't slam the door". For where? If i no slam door how you go no say i dey vex now? That's one habit that all the punishment never correct since i was small. ....Slamming doors. My favorite past time. So, why you come dey squeeze face now? At least me i don talk my bad habit. Wetin be your own? Aunty na me Sabi.

So sha, i got downstairs, got in my car, make i go watch football for one sport bar in my neighbourhood as pe tennant don evict landlord for house now. That's how my moto no start o. I cranked it up again omo, nothing. The Ignition was dead. I just hissed, and made a mental note to myself ikpe, i was gonna have my Driver's head on a cheap plastic plate by tommorrow morning 'cause that was my official car. And anyway sha i've never been a fan of any Automobile not made by Germans. So i got back inside and took the Keys to the other Car.
I swear my moto no start o. Brand new Car. This Whip is less than 9 months old. The Same thing that happened to the other Car, but this time, my "Marvel on the road" "Superior Bavarian Engineering" at it's best wouldn't start up. I was gobsmacked. This has never i mean NEVER happened. My people na that time cold come dey catch me say "this one no be Oju lasan". I decided to open the bonnet but there was no point 'cause the whole thing was sealed anyway. It wasn't made to be tinkered with at will except for an oil change and stuff every couple of thousand miles. Well how man for do?
Your homeboy just simply shuffled back into the house with his tail between his legs. I just went upstairs jejely, got on the Bed and closed my eyes. I couldn't even watch footie. For where? Champions league ko? Champions league ni. This one wey for my very domot i don get yellow card. Sha, she walks in an hour later and goes "are you back"? "Shey o lo mo ni"? (Aren't you going again"?) i no even answer. As if say she no know say my Moto(s) no gree start. I was too bewildered by the whole situation to even shout. Abi wetin shouting go do for this matter now? She then announced that "well sha if you want to eat, dinner is served downstairs". Rice and Curry Sauce.
Me!! Me!! She dey tell me dinner is served. Do i have a stupid face? I mean do i really look that daft? After Last week's Egusi soup ended up in the Trash. Reasons still unknown. (Although i have my strong suspicions). And all the other orishirishi deep coded talk she has been talking recently. Now last night make i comot for house my moto no start. She come say make i chop. Na she go chop the food no be me. Tufiakwa.

Although i was so hungry last night, i just couldn't risk eating anything. So i went to bed hungry. I'm back in the office now this Morning. I've just sent my Driver to Cactus to get me a Sandwich. This will be the only thing i've eaten since breakfast yesterday. It's beginning to frustrate me this.
My ears are still ringing with what she said last week that if i don't marry her i can't marry any other girl. Mehn, See as one Otorompe girl dey throw threats at me just anyhow. Make una warn am o!!! If i begin fasting and prayer session for am ehn? She go hear am. I've always said i didn't have her time yet. But this one wey i no fit chop for my own house ehn? Na war o. Meanwhile both cars started effortlessly this morning. Hmmm!!!!
My people this one pass me o. Wetin i go do? Please help your boy. I'm open to ideas.

Monday, December 04, 2006


Sorry it had to go down

The Sum of all fears (I'm Totally Scared 2) Had to go down. I'm really sorry people.
I'm a sell out, and i'm not brave enough to tackle this whole mess. Some things are just way bigger than you no matter what sort of batteries you're running on you just can't keep up.

Some Issues have been burning for well over 50 years. As much as i'd like to change the world, i'm all grown now(At least in the last couple days) . I realise now that i can't. I'm a miniscule grain of sand in the bloody Sahara. So yep. I guess Pops was right. I'm an idealist.

There are things i'd like to say but i cant. I'd like to give you reasons for deleting the post, again i can't. I'm a Chicken, and i'm weak willed, a Coward and much worse. But there's Monsters everywhere.... and they scare me.

I'm a black, single 29 year old African male, stuck on a train track with his hands covering his eyes. Hoping the Train stops.

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