Intel Inside

"I will just slap you now" He said. And before the poor guy could say "Oga i just dey do my work" The Dude had slapped the Security officer.

Venue: Murtala Mohammed Airport Lagos.
Red Corner: Mr. Dude Weight.300 pounds.

Black Corner: Mr Airport security/Ghost worker
Weight: 125 pounds or so.

I've always questioned the rationale behind installing some rude guy just at the exit point of the Arrival Hall at MM Airport. Haba Kilode? You've gone through Customs, (Oga anything for the boys?) Immigration, (Oga anything for awon boys?) NDLEA, (Oga anything to see? Like i'd tell you duh!) Quarantine, (Oga anything ?) , Waiting for your luggage, somborry "mistakenly" thiefing your luggage, the Heat, body odour, Rushing for trolleys, smell of cosmetics...the nice ones from jand, the smell of the Bleaching creams...Tura Fair and white(The not so exclusive preserve of the Customs/immigration chics and the cleaners, and the Isale Eko chics that import Packaged juice), and the screaming babies, ...poor darlings all that heat, and all the black ugly guys wearing fake Bling. WTF?

Anyway sha, where was i? Ehen that's how me i breezed through all of that wahala now, and at the last point make i comot that's how this Were Officer was now checking Passports and luggage tags at the exit. For wetin now? No be duplication of duty be that? That's how Mr Dude above vex say lai lai you no go check anything. And Mr. Official wan come Argue, and Frustrated Mr. Dude was not having any of that sht. So he promptly lands a serious slap on the Ghost Worker/Airport official's face like that. Dem come cause go slow for inside Airport.
Which kain Wahala be this now? I go still pass plenty go slow(Traffic jam for you jandedos) before i reach 3rd Mainland, reach my house now. Na so i go beg Ghost Worker make e forget the whole thing and give peace a chance blah blah... at least make me i comot.

That's when i looked closely at Mr. Dude and realised the guy na my Old Buddy in High School.
Go figure. I swear my school turns out more thugs than a Cuban Jail. So i was like Femi how far now? Long time no see, He's Married now..well he's wearing a wedding band, he's gained a bit of weight but he's not lost any of the Agbero traits.

So i was like Nigg how've you been? Turns out his wife is in London, and his Girlfriend is in Lagos with his Daughter. Ehen!! so he "shuttles" between London and Lagos okayeee.
So i asked if his Penis was still functioning ok? * I know, i know, let me explain*

See, Femi had a brother, Tunde, back in school that was a bit of a tout (well, stating the obvious)
and the Father was a highly respected Deacon at a very popular Church. Meanwhile, Femo had this brown pair of Tommy H. Khakis he was so in love with. One Evening sha, he tried pulling the metal Zipper on the Pants and it caught his em... Penis and it wouldn't come unstuck.
To cut a long thing short(hehe) Dude was rushed to the School clinic and transferred home.
The Jist from Tunde his brother was that the Medics had to cut the skin to free the Zipper Ouch!!!

Now, this is the interesting part. He gets back to School and we promptly tell Femo that Bros, your thing no go work again lai lai. You need to test it extensively. He gets scared and asks for Playboy, and Hustler mags which promptly appear from under different Mattresses.

5 minutes later, he confirms it's fine. That's when his brother Tunde goes "why don't we tell Popsie your thing is no longer working"? Femi wasn't having none of that but with a bit of endorsement from myself and a couple of Awon Boys we were able to convince him. My take was the Guy's Father had too much aggro, Disciplinarian Deacon, at worst e go buy playboy mags for the pickin to test his thing abi? And we go get extra girly mag stashed for free. Right?

Wrong! Even me sef amazement catch me. Na so the "Reverend Gentleman" quick quick go organise babe for im pickin o. Meanwhile, The babe seemed "very familiar" with the old man. The Man say "oya test this thing right now and give me feedback. I assume you know what to do"? See something o. From where the chic waka from now? How the Deacon take Organise the Babe sharp sharp like that?
This same guy has strict "No visitor" rules. If he catches you even talking to a Girl Peren! It's a Naija smack down a la Koboko. At 15.
Na that day i know say Naija parents ehn, beneath all that facade, scratch deep enough.....

Now i wonder what effect Femi's Dad's actions had on his son's outlook to life in general and to Women in Particular. A legally Girlfriend(ed) babe in Lagos (with a child), and a Legally Married Wife in another country.
Was it his Pop, Or just him, or is it something in the Lagos Water pipes? Or are we guys just plain sick?