Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Danfo Head. (The Update)
I didn't fire him!!!
I so badly wanted to. I swear i really, really wanted to. I summoned him upstairs to my office and he came eating an Apple. I was mad!!!. Now, there's nothing wrong in eating an Apple at work or anything. To be honest if any other person had walked into my Office eating an Apple i wouldn't have batted an eyelid. I could even crack a joke like "are you trying to lose weight or we're just not paying you enough" blah blah. But this guy mehn, he's just the pants. I was just irritated just seing that black face and round grotesque shape.and he come dey make some kain pig -like sounds and i could imagine Saliva dripping on my floor.Omo, the guy dey hideous.Remember Tin Tin?, Snowy the dog and Captain Haddock? Remember the time they went to Congo and there were those Very black Pygmies with bulgy eyes, and big red lips? Ehen, come imagine that kain person for my office they chop apple.
So of course now, i told him to please go out and come back when he was done having lunch.
Then he said "Ah this is not lunch o, I've already had lunch(Rubbing his disgusting tummy as he's talking) this is just Desert" ha,ha,ha,.
I just had this dead pan expression on my face and i was wondering what was so funny? I didn't crack a joke, you didn't crack a joke, so why are you laughing??? What the hell is so funny?
I wonder why people do that rubbish. I ask a question, then you answer with a short laugh, and you're rubbing your hands together nervously at the end of your statement.This guy does it a lot, My Driver does the same thing too. And a couple other people.I don't get it it just looks very shifty to me. I see a lot of people do that stupid laugh around my Father, and these are grown ass succesful Men.
Long thing sha, i just dey there dey look the guy just staring at him and not saying anything. Then he started fidgeting.
The Idiot now started digging his own grave. "Ehn, We will win the Presidential Election he, he, he, I know so and so doesn't stand a chance" At this point my face went from a Blank stare to Murderous look. He quickly shut up mid-sentence and his mouth was opening and closing like Eja Titus.
I could have strangled him. Idiot! Who is "We" do i know you before? Eranko! Presidential ko? PDP ni.
If this guy knew a little bit about me, he'd know i never discuss Politics at work as in NEVER. It's a taboo subject for me.
At that moment i wanted badly to throw his ugly ass out the Window, but i couldn't erase the picture of his wife from my mind. She's one of those quiet, soft spoken women with very sad eyes. She looked like someone life had dealt many blows and most of the blows i'm sure had been delivered by the Sugomu standing in front of me with a half eaten apple looking like an Atoole(Bed wetter).
Picture this. You know when the Bible says patience and long-suffering? Ehen, that's the Woman.
It's a good thing a few people talked about his family in the comments section of the original post because omo, i wasn't even thinking along those lines. I just wanted to get rid of the Baboon.
Only say I would have been unleashing a demon both into the unemployment Market and most Dangerously into his home. Shey man wey no take care of his wife when plenty money dey wetin go come happen when e no get work? The poor woman go just die.( I wonder what he does with his money tho'. 'Cause he's really quite well paid.)
Sha, i just read the guy the Nigerian Riots act and when i saw that i had put the fear of God in his bone marrows, i told him to scram. I also told him that ehn, if he as much as imply, not threaten o, just imply any sort of retribution for Danfo head, He'll be up in my office discussing his lack of a Termination Package.
I so badly wanted to. I swear i really, really wanted to. I summoned him upstairs to my office and he came eating an Apple. I was mad!!!. Now, there's nothing wrong in eating an Apple at work or anything. To be honest if any other person had walked into my Office eating an Apple i wouldn't have batted an eyelid. I could even crack a joke like "are you trying to lose weight or we're just not paying you enough" blah blah. But this guy mehn, he's just the pants. I was just irritated just seing that black face and round grotesque shape.and he come dey make some kain pig -like sounds and i could imagine Saliva dripping on my floor.Omo, the guy dey hideous.Remember Tin Tin?, Snowy the dog and Captain Haddock? Remember the time they went to Congo and there were those Very black Pygmies with bulgy eyes, and big red lips? Ehen, come imagine that kain person for my office they chop apple.
So of course now, i told him to please go out and come back when he was done having lunch.
Then he said "Ah this is not lunch o, I've already had lunch(Rubbing his disgusting tummy as he's talking) this is just Desert" ha,ha,ha,.
I just had this dead pan expression on my face and i was wondering what was so funny? I didn't crack a joke, you didn't crack a joke, so why are you laughing??? What the hell is so funny?
I wonder why people do that rubbish. I ask a question, then you answer with a short laugh, and you're rubbing your hands together nervously at the end of your statement.This guy does it a lot, My Driver does the same thing too. And a couple other people.I don't get it it just looks very shifty to me. I see a lot of people do that stupid laugh around my Father, and these are grown ass succesful Men.
Long thing sha, i just dey there dey look the guy just staring at him and not saying anything. Then he started fidgeting.
The Idiot now started digging his own grave. "Ehn, We will win the Presidential Election he, he, he, I know so and so doesn't stand a chance" At this point my face went from a Blank stare to Murderous look. He quickly shut up mid-sentence and his mouth was opening and closing like Eja Titus.
I could have strangled him. Idiot! Who is "We" do i know you before? Eranko! Presidential ko? PDP ni.
If this guy knew a little bit about me, he'd know i never discuss Politics at work as in NEVER. It's a taboo subject for me.
At that moment i wanted badly to throw his ugly ass out the Window, but i couldn't erase the picture of his wife from my mind. She's one of those quiet, soft spoken women with very sad eyes. She looked like someone life had dealt many blows and most of the blows i'm sure had been delivered by the Sugomu standing in front of me with a half eaten apple looking like an Atoole(Bed wetter).
Picture this. You know when the Bible says patience and long-suffering? Ehen, that's the Woman.
It's a good thing a few people talked about his family in the comments section of the original post because omo, i wasn't even thinking along those lines. I just wanted to get rid of the Baboon.
Only say I would have been unleashing a demon both into the unemployment Market and most Dangerously into his home. Shey man wey no take care of his wife when plenty money dey wetin go come happen when e no get work? The poor woman go just die.( I wonder what he does with his money tho'. 'Cause he's really quite well paid.)
Sha, i just read the guy the Nigerian Riots act and when i saw that i had put the fear of God in his bone marrows, i told him to scram. I also told him that ehn, if he as much as imply, not threaten o, just imply any sort of retribution for Danfo head, He'll be up in my office discussing his lack of a Termination Package.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
My Thoughts at 1300hrs(Lagos Mean Time)
I got an Email from a guy who had a Stapler hurled at him by one of my Managers.
I promptly picked up the Phone and called him up.
He walks in to my office, and i can see the fear in his eyes. He was half quivering and stuttering.
Alaye: Hi J. (I'm smiling so i can put him at ease.*I could be a scary Mofo sometimes*)
J: Good Morning Sir.
Alaye:I got your Email tell me what happened.
J: My Manager, Mr.D Wanted a report ready for a meeting at 9 this morning, i handed it to him and he said it wasn't professionally done.
Alaye:(I'm thinking to meself this guy doesn't look the tardy sort)So what now happeneed?
J: He lost his Temper sir, and flung the Stapler on his Desk at my head.
Alaye:(True true the guy head be like front of Danfo Bus. But That one no be enough reason for Assault ke?)
Alaye: J, I'm sorry this happened. He had no right whatsoever to do that. There are laid down policies against Assault and discrimination in this company. Yadda yadda....I assure you i will deal with this issue ok?
J: Thank you Sir.
Alaye: Let me see the head. (At this point i half expected a Bus conductor to pop out of his right ear. The guy head really be like Danfo wallahi)
Alaye: Sorry 'bout that Son.(feeling bad yet suppressing a chuckle. Omo the head ehn!!)
Alaye: Tell you what Mate, Take the rest of the day off. Grab some pain killers, and get some rest okay?
J: Thank you Sir, God Bless you sir.
As the Guy closed the door. two thoughts crossed my mind. Which kain country be this wey grown ass intelligent man go dey fear like this? Anywhere else in the world we'll get slammed with a law suit faster than you can jump off a moving yellow bus. For crying out loud you just frigging got assaulted in the frigging office. Not just a Slap, but you got a damned Stapler thrown right at your head like a Baseball.Forget the fact that your head be like Ojuelegba Danfo Bus.No be your fault now? Shebi na so your Papa born you. It's no excuse for that happening....No matter how tempting.
Secondly the Stapler hurling Manager must have a Nerve.Apparently he must have been doing this for a while and he's gotten used to it and thinks he can get away with it. The sonofa has got another think coming.
This same idiot ehn, his middle name ought to be inept. As in if you tell am anything he go repeat am to you like Parrot with mouth diarrhoea?(abeg i no fit spell diarhoeea jo. Leave me.)After he repeat am finish, he'll now go ahead and do the exact opposite of what you told him. And the worst i've ever done to him is shout and scream at his sheer stupidity.Yet he fit throw stapler at ol'Danfo head. A guy wey get wife and one Daughter for houose o,a guy wey get Master's Degree o, no be Driver or Cleaner o. So imagine wetin he go do im House girl for house now.Or even his wife sef.
I go show am pepper. I'm waiting for him to roll his big black ugly tummy in from lunch. Mofo is always eating Fufu every damned day.Wears some cheap ass Oshodi packet shirt, and insists the guys under him call him Chief D. (Oloshi, Were town Council).
If he talks trash peren, i might just fire his Polyester wearing ass. We'll see....
I promptly picked up the Phone and called him up.
He walks in to my office, and i can see the fear in his eyes. He was half quivering and stuttering.
Alaye: Hi J. (I'm smiling so i can put him at ease.*I could be a scary Mofo sometimes*)
J: Good Morning Sir.
Alaye:I got your Email tell me what happened.
J: My Manager, Mr.D Wanted a report ready for a meeting at 9 this morning, i handed it to him and he said it wasn't professionally done.
Alaye:(I'm thinking to meself this guy doesn't look the tardy sort)So what now happeneed?
J: He lost his Temper sir, and flung the Stapler on his Desk at my head.
Alaye:(True true the guy head be like front of Danfo Bus. But That one no be enough reason for Assault ke?)
Alaye: J, I'm sorry this happened. He had no right whatsoever to do that. There are laid down policies against Assault and discrimination in this company. Yadda yadda....I assure you i will deal with this issue ok?
J: Thank you Sir.
Alaye: Let me see the head. (At this point i half expected a Bus conductor to pop out of his right ear. The guy head really be like Danfo wallahi)
Alaye: Sorry 'bout that Son.(feeling bad yet suppressing a chuckle. Omo the head ehn!!)
Alaye: Tell you what Mate, Take the rest of the day off. Grab some pain killers, and get some rest okay?
J: Thank you Sir, God Bless you sir.
As the Guy closed the door. two thoughts crossed my mind. Which kain country be this wey grown ass intelligent man go dey fear like this? Anywhere else in the world we'll get slammed with a law suit faster than you can jump off a moving yellow bus. For crying out loud you just frigging got assaulted in the frigging office. Not just a Slap, but you got a damned Stapler thrown right at your head like a Baseball.Forget the fact that your head be like Ojuelegba Danfo Bus.No be your fault now? Shebi na so your Papa born you. It's no excuse for that happening....No matter how tempting.
Secondly the Stapler hurling Manager must have a Nerve.Apparently he must have been doing this for a while and he's gotten used to it and thinks he can get away with it. The sonofa has got another think coming.
This same idiot ehn, his middle name ought to be inept. As in if you tell am anything he go repeat am to you like Parrot with mouth diarrhoea?(abeg i no fit spell diarhoeea jo. Leave me.)After he repeat am finish, he'll now go ahead and do the exact opposite of what you told him. And the worst i've ever done to him is shout and scream at his sheer stupidity.Yet he fit throw stapler at ol'Danfo head. A guy wey get wife and one Daughter for houose o,a guy wey get Master's Degree o, no be Driver or Cleaner o. So imagine wetin he go do im House girl for house now.Or even his wife sef.
I go show am pepper. I'm waiting for him to roll his big black ugly tummy in from lunch. Mofo is always eating Fufu every damned day.Wears some cheap ass Oshodi packet shirt, and insists the guys under him call him Chief D. (Oloshi, Were town Council).
If he talks trash peren, i might just fire his Polyester wearing ass. We'll see....
Monday, April 16, 2007
Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear
Very sincere apologies for going MIA on you guys. It's really been an unbeleivable couple of months. So much has happened to write a whole book about sef.
I haven't Blogged simply because some idiot with no yansh at work found my Blog and sent the URL to my Ogas at work. This was the week after i got promoted to being an Oga myself. So to say it was messy was an understatement. Especially since i said some not too nice things about some certain people in the past, and me sef i dey go mis yarn about starring at Buffie the body(phew!), and Man Utd at work.
Infact o serious gan. The Chick who blew the whistle was someone i thought i was cool with, I dated her kid sister way, way back when she was at D'Bells, Got her out of trouble at work, when her car was bad i gave her my car and driver for two whole weeks and i was driving myself to work. Bought her lunch a couple of times, and even hooked her desperate, buck toothed, no booty, ass up with a couple of Guys who were several leagues ahead of her. And she still stabbed be in the back. Wetin you want make i do again? Omo, Your Enemies are closer than they appear. Believe that. I'm not mad 'cause i still got the Job, I didn't have to take my Blog down, I'm still twenty times better paid than your broke ass, and most importantly, when the Big Boys with their fancy SUV's leave your apartment at night and head home to their wives, your sorry 34 year old self will have only Dubai gold and Prada shoes for company. Hope your Duvet keeps you warm and happy. Were Alaso. I know you are reading this, so sue me i don't care. Shio!
Anyway sha, apart from the fact that i almost got my Contract at work Terminated, and a few death threats from Abuja, (On top this same Blog o. Mo daran!), Getting stabbed in the back, getting promoted at work with big bucks Yay!!, Bukky calling me in the middle of the night that she's pregnant.(It wasn't me. lol. Long story...). And getting so busy at work that i can't even eat, get into woman trouble, or even Blog. Apart from all that, I guess not much has changed.
I wont be able to update by Blog that frequently, I'll mostly leave comments on other peoples Blogs And of course i can't mention names anymore for work reasons and also i feel i'm being followed everywhere i drive to. I thought i was loosing it until T, my Driver confirmed it. I went to Abuja for a function a few weeks ago, and for the first time i felt i needed armed security. I got several texts a day before telling me to steer clear of Abuja, to close down my Blog, and blah blah. So here's to you Mr. 0806 *** 5544, i wasn't going to update me Blog but this one's for you. Bring it on i ain't scared. Ode olori gbeske. I never get your time yet.
And yeah i read a couple of Blogs the other day. Mr.Fineboy is totally hilarious, Bimby lads is a riot. I wanted to die of laughter. The two both of you, e o ni pami. Much love to all you guys. Soul, CG, Olawunmi, Ex schoolnerd, Bella, Exceesive, Overwhelmed , Mr.Toks, and every other blogger i missed you guys.
And oh, i found time in my Busy schedule for a smack down. You remember that poetry loving dude that was taking little bites off Alaye's juicy meat?(You know wetin i dey talk now?)
Chei! The guy chop beating no be small. I no fit give full tory. I've gotten into enough trouble already. But dude had it coming. No long thing.
TMINX. I love you so much baby.You know that already but i can't stop saying it. You're the most beautiful woman in the whole wide world.
I haven't Blogged simply because some idiot with no yansh at work found my Blog and sent the URL to my Ogas at work. This was the week after i got promoted to being an Oga myself. So to say it was messy was an understatement. Especially since i said some not too nice things about some certain people in the past, and me sef i dey go mis yarn about starring at Buffie the body(phew!), and Man Utd at work.
Infact o serious gan. The Chick who blew the whistle was someone i thought i was cool with, I dated her kid sister way, way back when she was at D'Bells, Got her out of trouble at work, when her car was bad i gave her my car and driver for two whole weeks and i was driving myself to work. Bought her lunch a couple of times, and even hooked her desperate, buck toothed, no booty, ass up with a couple of Guys who were several leagues ahead of her. And she still stabbed be in the back. Wetin you want make i do again? Omo, Your Enemies are closer than they appear. Believe that. I'm not mad 'cause i still got the Job, I didn't have to take my Blog down, I'm still twenty times better paid than your broke ass, and most importantly, when the Big Boys with their fancy SUV's leave your apartment at night and head home to their wives, your sorry 34 year old self will have only Dubai gold and Prada shoes for company. Hope your Duvet keeps you warm and happy. Were Alaso. I know you are reading this, so sue me i don't care. Shio!
Anyway sha, apart from the fact that i almost got my Contract at work Terminated, and a few death threats from Abuja, (On top this same Blog o. Mo daran!), Getting stabbed in the back, getting promoted at work with big bucks Yay!!, Bukky calling me in the middle of the night that she's pregnant.(It wasn't me. lol. Long story...). And getting so busy at work that i can't even eat, get into woman trouble, or even Blog. Apart from all that, I guess not much has changed.
I wont be able to update by Blog that frequently, I'll mostly leave comments on other peoples Blogs And of course i can't mention names anymore for work reasons and also i feel i'm being followed everywhere i drive to. I thought i was loosing it until T, my Driver confirmed it. I went to Abuja for a function a few weeks ago, and for the first time i felt i needed armed security. I got several texts a day before telling me to steer clear of Abuja, to close down my Blog, and blah blah. So here's to you Mr. 0806 *** 5544, i wasn't going to update me Blog but this one's for you. Bring it on i ain't scared. Ode olori gbeske. I never get your time yet.
And yeah i read a couple of Blogs the other day. Mr.Fineboy is totally hilarious, Bimby lads is a riot. I wanted to die of laughter. The two both of you, e o ni pami. Much love to all you guys. Soul, CG, Olawunmi, Ex schoolnerd, Bella, Exceesive, Overwhelmed , Mr.Toks, and every other blogger i missed you guys.
And oh, i found time in my Busy schedule for a smack down. You remember that poetry loving dude that was taking little bites off Alaye's juicy meat?(You know wetin i dey talk now?)
Chei! The guy chop beating no be small. I no fit give full tory. I've gotten into enough trouble already. But dude had it coming. No long thing.
TMINX. I love you so much baby.You know that already but i can't stop saying it. You're the most beautiful woman in the whole wide world.
