Thursday, January 18, 2007
Funk
I started the year on a calm almost laid back note. Very relaxed and at peace with all mankind after a long ass Holiday.
Unfortunately by the time i got back to work, awon ota had been waiting for me since before Christmas sha! The Idiots just piled up work for me ehn? Even simple stuff that they shoulda dealt with. You'd imagine that grown ass men will take a lil initiative. No be so o. Have you done this one? No we haven't. Have you sorted that one no Sir, we haven't. So what the fcuk have you been doing since i left? Abi which kain ode be this people?
They were just giving me looks like shey na only you sabi go on all expense paid Holidays abi? Anyway me i no ku ku send anyborry. Na for telephone i do my first interview for the job from U.K. And they agreed to fly my ass down for the second interview, and when it was time to talk money and bebefits, omo,i shine my eye well. Car, health benefits, holidays 2x a year (Only one holiday is paid for), Accomodation, well i dey collect the money for accomodation instead. How i go pay that kain money for one landlord for Parkview when me i never build my own house? I look like mumu to you? They say because Jacuzzi dey there. Make e no better for Jacuzzi. Ehn thank you i'm a Bush Egba boy but can i have the cash instead please? Thank you very much.
Anyways bad bells dey for me for that office well well. That's how they wan come form one small union say why dem go dey pay me in USD while the rest of them wey dey do all the work na Naira and Kobos. Well, me i no get answer to that one o. But just maybe na because na Pounds Sterling my Papa take manage pay my School fees, while you dey enjoy the Gofment subsidy 150 naira per Semester fees for University of Ibadan. So i guess it's okay you get paid in Naira and i get paid in if not Pounds Sterling at least US Dollars shey? Fair is fair no? So face your Work Mr.Dada and Mr.Ajewole and the Crew.Make i no vex for you o. Don't attempt to overthrow a professional coup plotter. A word is enough for the wise. I'm not in a good mood so ya'll don't wanna fcuk with me. Ya heard?
Now that's offa my Chest. On the other hand i've been bored, i've been terribly lonely, not due to a lack of company but i no know how i go explain am jare. I don't really feel like hanging out with awon Boys, i'm too swamped with work to Blog, I'm this close to firing five people in my office at the same time. They're so stupidly incompetent, they can't tell a kettle from a piss pot. I might as well do the damned project meself.
There are still loads of chicks orbiting around my sphere but the honest truth is i don't trust them Heiffers. They are all smiles and really nice but you when you look into their eyes the whole picture doesn't add up. Their eyes tell a different story. I for no bother in the old days but to be honest i'm not up for casual sex mehn. I'm ready to hang up my Playa Jersey and pick up a coaching job. Olawunmi, Exhale. It's not written in stone yet. Maybe it's just the way i feel now.
I think the beginning of my Wahala was last weekend. I wanted to get some Coolant at the Mobil petrol station at Lekki. I sent my driver earlier and the Ode queued up with people who were there to buy Petrol. There was a full tank of fuel in the car o. Just buy a bottle of coolant and come back home. 5 minutes max.
Me i don even forget say i send am anywhere sef. The football match wey i dey watch reach half time, second half begin, i dey watch dey go. Like almost at the end of second half it just occured to me to call him. When the call connected the first thing i heard was noise in the background.
My first thought was yepa Oloshi yi ti lo daran. Taiye where are you?
Ehn mo wa ni Filling station sah.
What the Devil is taking you so long???
Ehn! Kew yen o wa very long sah?
Queue for what???
Ehn Kew for petirol sah
What did i send you to buy?
Coolant sah
So why are you on the Petrol queue?
Ehn to buy coolant sah.
At this point i was in histeronics (Soul, i don dey sabi English pass you o lol)
So i told the Bugger Mr. Man ori e o pe o. Kia leave that place now and bring my car back home.
Ehn Oga, they haf block me hia o i can't move the Car.
I was livid. This time, i don pass Histronics na Electronics level i dey(lol)
Omo i just carry two Mobile Police men from by gate enter moto come go rescue my car for all the melee (i love the way the word sounds hehehe).
As i clear road for my moto finish, and was about going back home i saw one guy i knew who was jejely queing up. I can't call him a friend sha although he's been to my house like thrice with other guys. He's a friend of a friend although i can't remember who's friend he was originally. But the guy na one of those quiet, sensitive sort of chap.
So as pe no be my tight paddy paddy like that now, i wasn't about to employ my Agbero skills to help him get petrol. I was just gonna smile and wave to the dude. That's how i looked at the passenger side o, na who i see? Bukky. Which Bukky? The same Bukky now. I first froze for a sec. Na so my mouth come open like aja mi lo pa.
When i come recofer, i first close my mouth slowly come exhale. I come dey get double mind whether make i comot for my moto go meet them to say hi, or make i blank two of them, or make i just wave and smile one kain hypocritical naija smile.
like that. (Shio! pele o. Ambasador for "keeping it real").
Anyway sha, i chose the last option. A 1000 watt smile and a wave later, i was on my way to my empty house.
Make i tell you ehn, if i say the thing no shake me small na lie. If person tell me say Bukky will ever spend hours in the hot sun queing up with a guy for petrol i go woz the person wey talk am.
I'm still in shock i can't figure it out. What does that mean? She really enjoys his company? or what? Abi na love or warrever. It's so friggin' mind boggling. I mean i know,...well i thought she could never ever inconvenience herself for anyone. It was all her about the Sun is too hot, she can't stay in a car without air conditioning yadda yadda. And here she was in the hot sun, with the windows down on a senseless fuel queue, and i'm sure she'd been there for hours with this guy. And she didn't look like she was suffering. In fact was smiling. Maybe laughing at what the idiot Tomi guy said or something.
I knew she had a soft spot for the guy before before sha because there was this one time i had a party at home and all the Agberos, and fake ass wannabee Big boy friends of mine were being loud and boisterous as usual, disturbing the peace. This particular Tomi guy stood out because he looked like one of those quiet sensitive bookish sort. He didn't say much he just sat in one corner of my living room and he was just smiling one kain shy smile like that. So me i just go meet am as pe good host now and asked if he wanted to wack proper correct food like Amala abi Pounded yam or somefink?You know Bukky used to throw down some major orishirishi food now? and he said no that he was fine with the finger food he was eating. Samosa abi wetin dem dey call the thing sef.
I said you're sure? he said yeah sure.
I offered the guy shacks he just smiled and said no say he no dey shack Alcohol.
Wo, me i just leave the guy. I don try now. Wich kain grown ass suegbe Bobo no go shack Alcohol.
What is the meaning of that? That kain person go dey make me feel bad you know? Like say i be Devil pickin. I just leave am go meet my fellow Oniranu boys.
Na so every other guy ignore the Tomi guy o.Abi person wey no like sport, e no dey drink alcohol, e no smoke,e no carry woman come, for inside my house. Wetin e come find now? but as the night wore on i saw Bukky talking to the guy and at that time i was glad because i dey like make everyborry dey feel alright for my Parrys but i just noticed that they were deep in conversation for hours on end, while the rest of us were arguing football, Women, igba, awo, and steadily getting veeery drunk.That's all i remember but the next day i was teasing bukky 'cause she told me the guy was discussing his Favorite poets with her. Me i just went like Shio! Poetry ko, Nursery rhyme ni. I just figured the guy was gay or somefink. Anyway they both sha connected sha but i didn't think nothing of it.
Anyway subsequent times the guy turns up at my shindigs and i honestly can't tell you who invited him 'cause me i no really know but i go just say holler what's up, he go smile that im yeye smile and i go push a bottle of Coke in his arms lol.
Wetin i no come understand na how he come get the liver to de wakka around town with Bukky.
Well i don't have a right to tell her who to date or what not. As a matter of fact i'm not even sure if they're dating. I mean i just saw them both on a fuel line. But Bukky would never do that on a good day. Not even for her Close girlfriends. Hmmm!!!
But at least she for get the decency to find someborry out of my circle now haba!!!
The Tomi Guy stays on the same Lekki stretch. Of course we're gonna jam each other every once in a while ke abi?
The Guy sef no dey fear but hey, i'm sure he was comforting her while she was heartbrokeen and just being a "friend in need". And now they're doing this closer than close rubbish.
What a wimp. Or maybe she's been able to force a wedding proposition out of him sef. Who knows maybe that's why she dey go queue for station with am. Warrever abeg.
And no, i don't want her back because even if she come back sef i still no go marry am. I'm not feeling her like that. Or am i? I no Know sef. I'm just messed up in the head right now.
Might be because she looked so happy and contented, and me i'm well... kinda feelin lonely and vulnerable right about now.
I wish them the best. She's a good girl, he's a good sensitive lad i'm sure they'll be picture perfect for each other. Duh!!! (Excuse me, i wanna puke my guts out)
I wish i hadn't seen them both tho'. They messed up my head and my peace of mind.
I'm craving another Turks and Caicos holiday now. Just to walk on the Sand 'till my head clears.
TO YOU
You've been in my head for way too long. Please get out of my head. You're not real. You're just a couple of words intricately woven together on Blogger.
I can't get you outta my dreams. I have a picture of you in my mind and it's so real, it's out of this world. I imagine something about you, then the next time i'm on your Blog you say the exact same thing about yourself that i imagined the night before. Deja vu? Hennesy? prophecy? or am i plain nuts?
I'm spending less time with flesh and blood, and diverting my Man hours. Spending it all on your Blog.
Soaking your words in. I'm sure you know who you are by now.
I tell myself i'm losing it. Guess what? i'm not bothered. You're like a Bottle of Hennesy on a cold night. Pastor says it's wrong. I know it's wrong.... Fcuk it.
Unfortunately by the time i got back to work, awon ota had been waiting for me since before Christmas sha! The Idiots just piled up work for me ehn? Even simple stuff that they shoulda dealt with. You'd imagine that grown ass men will take a lil initiative. No be so o. Have you done this one? No we haven't. Have you sorted that one no Sir, we haven't. So what the fcuk have you been doing since i left? Abi which kain ode be this people?
They were just giving me looks like shey na only you sabi go on all expense paid Holidays abi? Anyway me i no ku ku send anyborry. Na for telephone i do my first interview for the job from U.K. And they agreed to fly my ass down for the second interview, and when it was time to talk money and bebefits, omo,i shine my eye well. Car, health benefits, holidays 2x a year (Only one holiday is paid for), Accomodation, well i dey collect the money for accomodation instead. How i go pay that kain money for one landlord for Parkview when me i never build my own house? I look like mumu to you? They say because Jacuzzi dey there. Make e no better for Jacuzzi. Ehn thank you i'm a Bush Egba boy but can i have the cash instead please? Thank you very much.
Anyways bad bells dey for me for that office well well. That's how they wan come form one small union say why dem go dey pay me in USD while the rest of them wey dey do all the work na Naira and Kobos. Well, me i no get answer to that one o. But just maybe na because na Pounds Sterling my Papa take manage pay my School fees, while you dey enjoy the Gofment subsidy 150 naira per Semester fees for University of Ibadan. So i guess it's okay you get paid in Naira and i get paid in if not Pounds Sterling at least US Dollars shey? Fair is fair no? So face your Work Mr.Dada and Mr.Ajewole and the Crew.Make i no vex for you o. Don't attempt to overthrow a professional coup plotter. A word is enough for the wise. I'm not in a good mood so ya'll don't wanna fcuk with me. Ya heard?
Now that's offa my Chest. On the other hand i've been bored, i've been terribly lonely, not due to a lack of company but i no know how i go explain am jare. I don't really feel like hanging out with awon Boys, i'm too swamped with work to Blog, I'm this close to firing five people in my office at the same time. They're so stupidly incompetent, they can't tell a kettle from a piss pot. I might as well do the damned project meself.
There are still loads of chicks orbiting around my sphere but the honest truth is i don't trust them Heiffers. They are all smiles and really nice but you when you look into their eyes the whole picture doesn't add up. Their eyes tell a different story. I for no bother in the old days but to be honest i'm not up for casual sex mehn. I'm ready to hang up my Playa Jersey and pick up a coaching job. Olawunmi, Exhale. It's not written in stone yet. Maybe it's just the way i feel now.
I think the beginning of my Wahala was last weekend. I wanted to get some Coolant at the Mobil petrol station at Lekki. I sent my driver earlier and the Ode queued up with people who were there to buy Petrol. There was a full tank of fuel in the car o. Just buy a bottle of coolant and come back home. 5 minutes max.
Me i don even forget say i send am anywhere sef. The football match wey i dey watch reach half time, second half begin, i dey watch dey go. Like almost at the end of second half it just occured to me to call him. When the call connected the first thing i heard was noise in the background.
My first thought was yepa Oloshi yi ti lo daran. Taiye where are you?
Ehn mo wa ni Filling station sah.
What the Devil is taking you so long???
Ehn! Kew yen o wa very long sah?
Queue for what???
Ehn Kew for petirol sah
What did i send you to buy?
Coolant sah
So why are you on the Petrol queue?
Ehn to buy coolant sah.
At this point i was in histeronics (Soul, i don dey sabi English pass you o lol)
So i told the Bugger Mr. Man ori e o pe o. Kia leave that place now and bring my car back home.
Ehn Oga, they haf block me hia o i can't move the Car.
I was livid. This time, i don pass Histronics na Electronics level i dey(lol)
Omo i just carry two Mobile Police men from by gate enter moto come go rescue my car for all the melee (i love the way the word sounds hehehe).
As i clear road for my moto finish, and was about going back home i saw one guy i knew who was jejely queing up. I can't call him a friend sha although he's been to my house like thrice with other guys. He's a friend of a friend although i can't remember who's friend he was originally. But the guy na one of those quiet, sensitive sort of chap.
So as pe no be my tight paddy paddy like that now, i wasn't about to employ my Agbero skills to help him get petrol. I was just gonna smile and wave to the dude. That's how i looked at the passenger side o, na who i see? Bukky. Which Bukky? The same Bukky now. I first froze for a sec. Na so my mouth come open like aja mi lo pa.
When i come recofer, i first close my mouth slowly come exhale. I come dey get double mind whether make i comot for my moto go meet them to say hi, or make i blank two of them, or make i just wave and smile one kain hypocritical naija smile.
like that. (Shio! pele o. Ambasador for "keeping it real").
Anyway sha, i chose the last option. A 1000 watt smile and a wave later, i was on my way to my empty house.
Make i tell you ehn, if i say the thing no shake me small na lie. If person tell me say Bukky will ever spend hours in the hot sun queing up with a guy for petrol i go woz the person wey talk am.
I'm still in shock i can't figure it out. What does that mean? She really enjoys his company? or what? Abi na love or warrever. It's so friggin' mind boggling. I mean i know,...well i thought she could never ever inconvenience herself for anyone. It was all her about the Sun is too hot, she can't stay in a car without air conditioning yadda yadda. And here she was in the hot sun, with the windows down on a senseless fuel queue, and i'm sure she'd been there for hours with this guy. And she didn't look like she was suffering. In fact was smiling. Maybe laughing at what the idiot Tomi guy said or something.
I knew she had a soft spot for the guy before before sha because there was this one time i had a party at home and all the Agberos, and fake ass wannabee Big boy friends of mine were being loud and boisterous as usual, disturbing the peace. This particular Tomi guy stood out because he looked like one of those quiet sensitive bookish sort. He didn't say much he just sat in one corner of my living room and he was just smiling one kain shy smile like that. So me i just go meet am as pe good host now and asked if he wanted to wack proper correct food like Amala abi Pounded yam or somefink?You know Bukky used to throw down some major orishirishi food now? and he said no that he was fine with the finger food he was eating. Samosa abi wetin dem dey call the thing sef.
I said you're sure? he said yeah sure.
I offered the guy shacks he just smiled and said no say he no dey shack Alcohol.
Wo, me i just leave the guy. I don try now. Wich kain grown ass suegbe Bobo no go shack Alcohol.
What is the meaning of that? That kain person go dey make me feel bad you know? Like say i be Devil pickin. I just leave am go meet my fellow Oniranu boys.
Na so every other guy ignore the Tomi guy o.Abi person wey no like sport, e no dey drink alcohol, e no smoke,e no carry woman come, for inside my house. Wetin e come find now? but as the night wore on i saw Bukky talking to the guy and at that time i was glad because i dey like make everyborry dey feel alright for my Parrys but i just noticed that they were deep in conversation for hours on end, while the rest of us were arguing football, Women, igba, awo, and steadily getting veeery drunk.That's all i remember but the next day i was teasing bukky 'cause she told me the guy was discussing his Favorite poets with her. Me i just went like Shio! Poetry ko, Nursery rhyme ni. I just figured the guy was gay or somefink. Anyway they both sha connected sha but i didn't think nothing of it.
Anyway subsequent times the guy turns up at my shindigs and i honestly can't tell you who invited him 'cause me i no really know but i go just say holler what's up, he go smile that im yeye smile and i go push a bottle of Coke in his arms lol.
Wetin i no come understand na how he come get the liver to de wakka around town with Bukky.
Well i don't have a right to tell her who to date or what not. As a matter of fact i'm not even sure if they're dating. I mean i just saw them both on a fuel line. But Bukky would never do that on a good day. Not even for her Close girlfriends. Hmmm!!!
But at least she for get the decency to find someborry out of my circle now haba!!!
The Tomi Guy stays on the same Lekki stretch. Of course we're gonna jam each other every once in a while ke abi?
The Guy sef no dey fear but hey, i'm sure he was comforting her while she was heartbrokeen and just being a "friend in need". And now they're doing this closer than close rubbish.
What a wimp. Or maybe she's been able to force a wedding proposition out of him sef. Who knows maybe that's why she dey go queue for station with am. Warrever abeg.
And no, i don't want her back because even if she come back sef i still no go marry am. I'm not feeling her like that. Or am i? I no Know sef. I'm just messed up in the head right now.
Might be because she looked so happy and contented, and me i'm well... kinda feelin lonely and vulnerable right about now.
I wish them the best. She's a good girl, he's a good sensitive lad i'm sure they'll be picture perfect for each other. Duh!!! (Excuse me, i wanna puke my guts out)
I wish i hadn't seen them both tho'. They messed up my head and my peace of mind.
I'm craving another Turks and Caicos holiday now. Just to walk on the Sand 'till my head clears.
TO YOU
You've been in my head for way too long. Please get out of my head. You're not real. You're just a couple of words intricately woven together on Blogger.
I can't get you outta my dreams. I have a picture of you in my mind and it's so real, it's out of this world. I imagine something about you, then the next time i'm on your Blog you say the exact same thing about yourself that i imagined the night before. Deja vu? Hennesy? prophecy? or am i plain nuts?
I'm spending less time with flesh and blood, and diverting my Man hours. Spending it all on your Blog.
Soaking your words in. I'm sure you know who you are by now.
I tell myself i'm losing it. Guess what? i'm not bothered. You're like a Bottle of Hennesy on a cold night. Pastor says it's wrong. I know it's wrong.... Fcuk it.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Blogger Online
My People. I don come again o. How una dey? Merry Christmas and Happy New year.
I wan pray so if your head no gree prayer, skip this part and start scratching your head.
May this 2007 bring you all joy and Happiness, May it be the year of actualisation of your dreams. May you Soar through the Skies like an Eagle. May God strenghten you, may he protect you and your family. This year you will achieve things you gave up on in years past. You will tower way above your enemies, You will go from breakthrough to even greater breakthrough and it shall be well with you.When your mates are wearing authentic high end Couture labels you will not be rawking "very good imitation". You will not ride shotgun in your mate's BMW. You will gangsta lean in your own Bentley, Paid for. Naija style. CASH. No silly payments. You will succeed. Amen.
And if you like no say Amen na you sabi. Na my free prayer for this year for you be that. And Baba God dey always answer my prayers that's why na only once a year i dey pray so i wont clog up the request line. Oya stop scratching your head. Chei, see Dandruff. You need to pull them braids out. E don do. Haba, since Before Christmas kilode?
You guys got me all mushy and all with the Blogger Awards thingy. I'm totally tickled.I didn't think i had the patience or the skill for Blogging. This is just a part of my personality but the "written word" part. I'm usually in the middle of the room at a house Party cracking people up, and making the girls drink come right out of their nose after laughing so hard.So some people said hey "Alaye you should have a Blog" Funny thing is most of them don't even know i have a Blog. Although i'm getting busted every other day. Oh well sha. Most Entertaining Blogger Emi nikan tan? (A direct translation won't make sense if you don't speak Nigerian English. Olawunmi help!) But for everyone who voted for me thanks for the love. I'm glad to have been part of your life for this 2 months i've been Blogging.
I got back and i totally forgot my Blogger Password. Can you imagine that? .....Sharrap! i no be olodo. Na crime to forget something? When the jollofing dey too plenty ehn, infact that na tori for another day. I fell in love every night of my first week with a different girl. Kai, God is the ultimate creator. i never see where one single girl go be part black, part indian, part philippino, part venezuelan, eye go be like cat, shape go be like Mammy Water. No be the Local Mammy Water for Lagos Bar Beach o! Correct Ajebutter, Exotic, slinky Carribean Mammy Water with rare seashells in a Prada Purse. Those chicks are a different species altogether. Kai! No forming, no Shakara, warm and inviting. I swear i didn't come back with one single "Durex Avensis max" (wink, wink). And if you know how many dozens of packs i carry go there ehn?
Meanwhile i swear by Durex Avensis Max. Those things are super sensitive.I mean realllyy super s-e-n-s-i-t-i-v-e. Guys trust me on this one.
Anywhoo, the Dust in this Lagos ehn? If you open your mouth long enough you'll get a Duster and Mr. sheen to clean your tongue. No be lie. My Cars looked like they've just been driven through the Desert. Omo this Harmattan no be beans o. Even gan sef,My house is Coated three time over with Dust. And that's plus pe i locked the house up o. The weirdest thing of all is that someone or something has been drinking my liquour. Wallahi no be the level wey the thing reach before i comot be that. My keys are with me, everything is intact, nothing stolen. Even gan sef, i forgot about $1000 downstairs on the table, in my haste to get to the Airport.
It was all there. Complete. Dusty, but intact. But my Bottle of Hennesy wey i never drink reach 3/4 sef don dey almost empty. And guess what? No dust on the bottle. The bottle dey shine sef like say someborry was dilligently cleaning the bottle every morning. At least the person for kukuma help me clean the rest of the house now shebi? I told my Step sister, She said i should count how many fingers she held up in front of my face. I told her 6. Yeye! O ti ri omuti. (I no sabi talk English tell Overwhelmed to translate.)
Shebi i said i had a Crush on a Blogger before i comot. Ehen, Lately i've been having very sweet very real dreams about this Blogger. Wallahi no be small sef. So sha in the course of this dreams, at the really interesting point, You know now, When the flimsy La Perla silk something is about to slide off her curvy booty, Calabar girl shows her face, dey preach, and starts to burn my cable. She go just dey hala "don't do it girl, Alaye is a bad guy. He's a Womaniser, Igba, Awo". Shuo! Yeye! you dey ask me how i know say true true na Calabar girl? She dey introduce herself now! Seriously. I no dey joke o. After she don talk finish na so that my fantasy Blogger go just do like say person press Rewind. She go just wear her Panties, her sexy, red see through bra, her black pants, her little top, quickly re-apply her lip stick and before i say "hold up" she go don comot. Without as much as a kiss on my cheek. While i'm nursing my blue balls and fuming.
So anyborry wey know Calabar girl help me beg am o. She's messing up my high. Can't a man dream in peace? She don Marry make she allow single girls catch their fun now! Abi kilode gan?
She should stop putting sand sand for my Garri. In fact i dey go beg am for her Blog today sef.
Meanwhile i'm not revealing the name of my Blogger crush. I'm sure she knows herself sha.
Hola.
I wan pray so if your head no gree prayer, skip this part and start scratching your head.
May this 2007 bring you all joy and Happiness, May it be the year of actualisation of your dreams. May you Soar through the Skies like an Eagle. May God strenghten you, may he protect you and your family. This year you will achieve things you gave up on in years past. You will tower way above your enemies, You will go from breakthrough to even greater breakthrough and it shall be well with you.When your mates are wearing authentic high end Couture labels you will not be rawking "very good imitation". You will not ride shotgun in your mate's BMW. You will gangsta lean in your own Bentley, Paid for. Naija style. CASH. No silly payments. You will succeed. Amen.
And if you like no say Amen na you sabi. Na my free prayer for this year for you be that. And Baba God dey always answer my prayers that's why na only once a year i dey pray so i wont clog up the request line. Oya stop scratching your head. Chei, see Dandruff. You need to pull them braids out. E don do. Haba, since Before Christmas kilode?
You guys got me all mushy and all with the Blogger Awards thingy. I'm totally tickled.I didn't think i had the patience or the skill for Blogging. This is just a part of my personality but the "written word" part. I'm usually in the middle of the room at a house Party cracking people up, and making the girls drink come right out of their nose after laughing so hard.So some people said hey "Alaye you should have a Blog" Funny thing is most of them don't even know i have a Blog. Although i'm getting busted every other day. Oh well sha. Most Entertaining Blogger Emi nikan tan? (A direct translation won't make sense if you don't speak Nigerian English. Olawunmi help!) But for everyone who voted for me thanks for the love. I'm glad to have been part of your life for this 2 months i've been Blogging.
I got back and i totally forgot my Blogger Password. Can you imagine that? .....Sharrap! i no be olodo. Na crime to forget something? When the jollofing dey too plenty ehn, infact that na tori for another day. I fell in love every night of my first week with a different girl. Kai, God is the ultimate creator. i never see where one single girl go be part black, part indian, part philippino, part venezuelan, eye go be like cat, shape go be like Mammy Water. No be the Local Mammy Water for Lagos Bar Beach o! Correct Ajebutter, Exotic, slinky Carribean Mammy Water with rare seashells in a Prada Purse. Those chicks are a different species altogether. Kai! No forming, no Shakara, warm and inviting. I swear i didn't come back with one single "Durex Avensis max" (wink, wink). And if you know how many dozens of packs i carry go there ehn?
Meanwhile i swear by Durex Avensis Max. Those things are super sensitive.I mean realllyy super s-e-n-s-i-t-i-v-e. Guys trust me on this one.
Anywhoo, the Dust in this Lagos ehn? If you open your mouth long enough you'll get a Duster and Mr. sheen to clean your tongue. No be lie. My Cars looked like they've just been driven through the Desert. Omo this Harmattan no be beans o. Even gan sef,My house is Coated three time over with Dust. And that's plus pe i locked the house up o. The weirdest thing of all is that someone or something has been drinking my liquour. Wallahi no be the level wey the thing reach before i comot be that. My keys are with me, everything is intact, nothing stolen. Even gan sef, i forgot about $1000 downstairs on the table, in my haste to get to the Airport.
It was all there. Complete. Dusty, but intact. But my Bottle of Hennesy wey i never drink reach 3/4 sef don dey almost empty. And guess what? No dust on the bottle. The bottle dey shine sef like say someborry was dilligently cleaning the bottle every morning. At least the person for kukuma help me clean the rest of the house now shebi? I told my Step sister, She said i should count how many fingers she held up in front of my face. I told her 6. Yeye! O ti ri omuti. (I no sabi talk English tell Overwhelmed to translate.)
Shebi i said i had a Crush on a Blogger before i comot. Ehen, Lately i've been having very sweet very real dreams about this Blogger. Wallahi no be small sef. So sha in the course of this dreams, at the really interesting point, You know now, When the flimsy La Perla silk something is about to slide off her curvy booty, Calabar girl shows her face, dey preach, and starts to burn my cable. She go just dey hala "don't do it girl, Alaye is a bad guy. He's a Womaniser, Igba, Awo". Shuo! Yeye! you dey ask me how i know say true true na Calabar girl? She dey introduce herself now! Seriously. I no dey joke o. After she don talk finish na so that my fantasy Blogger go just do like say person press Rewind. She go just wear her Panties, her sexy, red see through bra, her black pants, her little top, quickly re-apply her lip stick and before i say "hold up" she go don comot. Without as much as a kiss on my cheek. While i'm nursing my blue balls and fuming.
So anyborry wey know Calabar girl help me beg am o. She's messing up my high. Can't a man dream in peace? She don Marry make she allow single girls catch their fun now! Abi kilode gan?
She should stop putting sand sand for my Garri. In fact i dey go beg am for her Blog today sef.
Meanwhile i'm not revealing the name of my Blogger crush. I'm sure she knows herself sha.
Hola.
